Monday, April 4, 2016

Find Your Center

Here I am. About to launch my new book. About to embark upon my eight city book tour. Usually by now, only one month before my publishing date, I like to have a plan. I like to have all my ducks in a row, my loose ends tied and my $h!t together. What is occurring is very different. I feel unhinged, messy, untethered, lost and overwhelmed.

I know. I know. "I'm a YOGA instructor." I'm supposed to have unlimited resources of zen calm and access to balance in the face of chaos. Even my book is a workbook of tools and tricks, exercise and routines to help ground you,the reader, into a state of well-being and inner strength during times of transition and grief.

I'd like to tell you that all is figured out. I'd like to be untouchable and super human like the yoga masters that I see in the magazines and in the videos on my Facebook page. The 95 year old who looks 55 and can still do the splits in every direction and has achieved mastery over life's little problems, only I'm the yoga instructor who is split wide open. I'm the one who comes to you uncensored and imperfect. My heart in a sling. That's me.

They say you teach what you need to learn. I am a living, breathing example of that. This weekend has had me bursting into tears, without warning, feeling a lack of identity and lost as to how to perform the simplest of tasks, like making my travel plans. It's true, folks. This deep rooted insecurity is coming up for review at the exact most inconvenient moment possible!

What to do? Well, in my book (I wrote a book????) the first step in all of this is to accept where I am. To land squarely, right here, right now. I sit. I take a deep breath. I feel. I cry. I write this blog. I breathe. I stop. I sit. I allow. I allow the feeling of fear to rise up in me, from my gut and upward streaking my spine like a flash of yellow and I let the tears flow and spill out through my words to you. I allow myself to feel this fear and to witness it, and to share with you anyway. I let the weakness permeate my entire being and I lay myself before my closest friends. Then I choose to reveal myself to you in this moment. I know that it's okay to be here and to be human.

The spiritual path has been romanticized. It is seen as a place of serenity and pleasant energy. I find the exact opposite to be true. The path of the yogi is the yes/and path. The word guru itself means darkness/light. That is the path of the teacher. I am able to sit here and witness the dark. Bring it to light. Feel it all. I feel it all.

Today I offer this to you: if you feel lost or confused you are not alone. Even those who you see living a serene life and having external successes don't always feel like they know the way. Today I land where I sit. I breathe. I cry. I express. I expose. I hold space for myself. I give up. I start fresh. This is how I find my center.
Malibu. Photo credit Javiera Estrada